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Thread: observations on language

  1. #1
    j15bell's Avatar
    j15bell is offline Keyboard Proficient TwelevePlus
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    Shenango Valley PA

    Default observations on language

    Sorry all ~ but I just loved this guys observation on language.

    And in honor of George feel free to post what you loved most about his humor ~ or how much you just didn't like him!

    Here is a good start~at least what I could post on Tweleve!
    1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic quackquackquackquack-ing hatreds!
    2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
    3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
    4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
    5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is sh#$ and your sh#$ is stuff?
    6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that sh#$ out by myself in the third grade.
    7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
    8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can damn sure blow it up.
    9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
    10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
    11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
    12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
    13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya?
    14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
    15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
    16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
    17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
    18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
    19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
    20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
    21. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
    22. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
    23. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
    24. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
    25. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
    26. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
    27. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
    28. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
    29. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
    30. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
    31. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
    32. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
    33. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
    34. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
    35. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
    36. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
    37. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
    38. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
    39. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
    40. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
    41. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
    42. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
    43. What year did Jesus think it was?
    44. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
    45. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
    46. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
    47. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
    48. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
    49. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
    50. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
    51. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have a#$holes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
    52. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
    53. The planet is fine. The people are screwed.
    54. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
    55. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
    56. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
    57. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
    58. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    59. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
    60. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
    61. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
    62. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
    63. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
    64. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
    65. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
    66. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
    67. “No comment” is a comment.
    68. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
    69. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
    70. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
    71. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
    72. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
    73. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
    74. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
    75. Hooray for most things!
    76. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
    77. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
    78. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    79. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
    80. Life is a zero sum game.
    81. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
    82. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
    We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
    ~Joseph Campbell

    There are three kinds of people : Those who can count and those that can't.

  2. #2
    johnnyfever's Avatar
    johnnyfever is offline Junior Twelever Copper johnnyfever is on a distinguished road
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    May 2008


    Thanks for posting this, Jean. Good to get a laugh and remember a comic who loved lanugage and used it to make me laugh more than any other I have ever heard.

    I noticed last night on a repeat of Inside the Actor's Studio that when he repeated his famous "Seven Words You Can't Say On Television" two of the words weren't even beeped out. I guess that's some progress he would be proud of.

    RIP, George.
    Give it to me straight, Doctor, I can take it!

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