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Thread: Halen Bros

  1. #1
    IwanttheHummingBird is offline Expert Twelever TwelevePlus
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    Default Halen Bros

    I started writing this and I wanted to see what you guys thought.
    It's a murder mystery! OOH!
    Chapter 1
    8:00 AM

    It was a cold, crisp autumn morning, the leaves were falling from the trees, and Xavier Halen was walking through the thin layer of leaves that had fallen on the ground on his way to work. Xavier was a detective, and had never had a murder case before. This was the first case that he had actually been assigned.
    Xavier had brown hair, blue eyes, and a piercing stare. He wore a trench coat, and even though he was filling the stereotype for detectives, he liked the fact that he looked almost like Sherlock Holmes.
    He wore black boots, which held an assortment of weapons. However, they were made with care and precision as to not alert the many metal detectors that he walked through.
    Xavier sipped his coffee, and stared at the park. It seemed as though this perfect weather were an illusion of a storm, waiting to come. He had no idea how right he would be.
    He opened the door to his office, and strode upstairs. He removed his trench coat, placed it delicately on the brass coat hanger that stood on three legs at his front door.
    He sat down in his office, glanced at the computer. A small e-mail icon blinked.
    He clicked it, and read the e-mail.

    Halen,
    Meet me in my office. A brief briefing…Halen smiled. Hs boss usually made jokes like that. But he was surprised that his boss was even joking at all about this murder. He read on. …Briefing on the murder will take place at 8:15. Come prepared. It’s rather…unusual.

    Halen looked at his watch. It read 8:10. He had to get going. He stood up, and walked out of the room. He was wearing a blue blazer, which concealed a small gun. He was permitted to have it while on the job. However, he had only used it once when it had accidentally gone off and hit a Porcelain Vase. He had caused one thousand dollars in damage. They only made him pay two hundred.
    He walked past the other offices, and came to the elevator. He pressed the button for the floor and it asked, “Name and voice verification?”
    “Xavier Halen.” he said.
    The elevator shot up like a bullet, and Halen was thrown to the floor at the force. When he arrived at the ninth floor, he stood up, brushed off his blazer, and exited the elevator.
    He walked up to the door.
    “Name and Voice Verification.” demanded the door.
    “Xavier Halen.” he said again.
    The door swung open. He walked inside.
    “Halen. Good to see you.” said his boss.
    “And you, sir.” he said.
    “Look, Halen, I’m going to put it bluntly. This man was found near his home yesterday.” said his boss. “We’re not sure who killed him, but we have some leads.”
    “Can I see the body?” he asked.
    “Well, that’s the weird part.” said his boss.
    “What do you mean?” asked Halen, a growing feeling of uneasiness sweeping over him.
    “The body’s gone.”


  2. #2
    IwanttheHummingBird is offline Expert Twelever TwelevePlus
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    Default

    comments? Anyone?


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    Wandering Mutant is offline Junior Twelever +1 TwelevePlus
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    I like the name Xavier Halen , but I keep thinking it says Helen.

    To Helen

    Hmmmm

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    That's what others have said...Maybe an edit is in order...


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    spiderman's Avatar
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    The storyline is good but 'Xavier' is hard to keep saying over and over to yourself. Maybe an easier name? You want to like this guy obviously and Xavier is a little tough. The descriptions and style are good for the genre. You can almost see the smoke filled opening scene in the movie! Good job!

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    Like the teaser...get rid of the Halen (keep thinking of van). Keep up the good work!
    "Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best."

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    Thanks...I can either rework the story to a different last name, or keep it as is and post the chapters as they are. I you want me to post them as is, I'll do it later on today at around 2:00. Otherwise I'll rework it and post somewhere from 3:00 on...any ideas?


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    Whatever you want to do - this is your little corner of the world.

  9. #9
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    As a fellow writer, I find it impossible to rename a character once I've started writing. If you rename him, he might not end up being the same person he started out as (sounds wierd, I know...but it's true!).

    So my vote is for no rename, unless you feel he's not an Xavier Halen.

  10. #10
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    And now...chapter 2... introducing Xavier's brother Sam

    Chapter 2
    8:27 AM

    Samuel Halen was a spy. He had blond hair, blue eyes, ad always carried at least two weapons with him at all times.
    He was sitting in his boss’s office when the door swung open.
    “Hello, sir.” said Sam.
    “Hello, Delta Six. I’m going to cut to the chase, and say this: one of our men is gone. He was officially missing, or seen last, at 9: 54 last night.”
    “Sir, who was it?”
    “Zachary Karta. He was found next to a small gun, wiped of fingerprints, of course, and he was carrying a small package. That package, however, has a twenty digit encryption key.”
    “Well, sir, I’m no cryptographer.”
    “I know. I have a separate assignment for you.”
    “Which is?”
    “We have a lead. A man named James Pyrner used to work here in your position. He was fired because he killed far too many innocent (I use the term lightly) people who were working for his enemies. He was friends with Karta, but Karta was always in debt. He leant Karta money…”
    “And Karta never repaid his debt.”
    “Exactly. I want you to track Pyrner, and get into his hideout.”
    “Sounds easy enough- what’s the catch?”
    “Catch?” asked his boss.
    “Always there’s a bomb or a terrorist or something that I don’t want to do. What is it?”
    “Well, you will be going solo for the actual spying part, but we paired you up with a detective. He’s pretty well known.”
    “Sherlock Holmes?” Sam asked in a bored voice.
    “No, someone who lives near here.”
    “You don’t mean…”
    “Sorry, Delta Six, but I do. You will be partners with your brother.”

    and chapter 3...it's kind of short, but here it goes...

    Chapter 3
    8:34 AM

    “What do you mean, the body is gone?” asked Xavier.
    “We found the body-”
    “Who we?”
    “Myself and a business associate of mine. His name is classified information, but I can tell you that 95% of the people who know him call him The Vulture.”
    “Vulture? What kind of bullsh-”
    “You’d do well to respect him, Xavier. He’s one of the wealthiest and most important people in the world.”
    “As are you, boss.”
    “Call me Tony. Please.”
    “Boss, can we see the scene of the crime?”
    “Follow me.” said Tony
    They exited the office and made for the elevator. The elevator shot down again, and Xavier was again thrown to the floor.
    “Boss, we’ve got to fix this.” he said.
    “The elevator or your balance?” replied his boss.
    They walked outside, into the slight drizzle of rain and the strong gusts of wind, to the jet black Rolls-Royce awaiting them. Xavier entered the car.
    “Jeeves! Take us to Lake Champlain!”
    “Jeeves?” asked Xavier, with a slight smirk.
    “That’s not my decision. Do you think I chose the name on purpose?”
    “I don’t know, boss. Why don’t you ask Jeeves?”


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