+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 26 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 251

Thread: Critique Me

  1. #1
    LadyHope's Avatar
    LadyHope is offline Good Twelever TwelevePlus
    Platinum
    LadyHope is on a distinguished road
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    716

    Default Critique Me

    This thread is for those of us who would like others to critique our poetry. Having a separate discussion thread will allow others to write freely in other areas without being forced to wade through the chit-chat.


    "To be guided by the interpretation of others is to extend your ability to direct them."

    (I came up with that line shortly after I was promoted to management. I have it framed over my desk at work to view daily and thought it would fit well with this thread.)

    Okay... who's first?

    ______________
    LadyHope

  2. #2
    12pm's Avatar
    12pm is offline Expert Twelever TwelevePlus
    Sapphire
    12pm will become famous soon enough
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    1,707

    Default Have at it!

    I think I probably more than deserve your criticism. Let it be a public spanking. Let it be savage and cynical. Let it rip!

    Making her from loss


    I’m such a sucker still for the warmish weft
    Of her, waking as I do at all the hours
    That my skin shakes through, longing
    For that nest and burrow and orchard.

    I’m such a bingo card in a bad firehall,
    Half tokened, half forlorn of her hand,
    Which ghosts a lemniscate on my chest.
    How did she become everything
    That womans my memory?

    Today, the neighbors’ laundered sheets
    Try to form her from a breeze,
    Over and over, grasping at contours
    Growing more perfect for me daily,
    As she recedes, advancing
    Only in wind, or light, or anything
    That’s nameless and gone.
    But never gone enough.

  3. #3
    LadyHope's Avatar
    LadyHope is offline Good Twelever TwelevePlus
    Platinum
    LadyHope is on a distinguished road
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    716

    Default

    Are you kidding me? What on earth is there to critique?
    You are completely in a league of your own with a whole
    fan base of respect. I would give anything to be able to
    put all my complicated thoughts to paper like you do. There
    are plenty of times that I read something of yours and thought
    "hey, that's exactly how I feel!". I wouldn't even know where to
    start!

    That public spanking thing seems pretty interesting though.

    _______________
    LadyHope

  4. #4
    spiderman's Avatar
    spiderman is offline Kidnapped... and all I got was this stupid user title. TwelevePlus
    Benitoite
    spiderman will become famous soon enough
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    5,464

    Default

    This is me marking the thread so that I can recall it later. Pardon the intrusion.

  5. #5
    LadyHope's Avatar
    LadyHope is offline Good Twelever TwelevePlus
    Platinum
    LadyHope is on a distinguished road
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    716

    Default

    When anger rages upon the winds of today,
    I close my eyes to tomorrow. Any hope,
    all hope, stands silently in wait behind the
    doors of opportunity.

    It is then that my heart seeps in agony.

    It is then that I loose who I represent.



    (Now that I have written it I see that I fell victim to that grand imagery once again. Oh well, have at.)

    _______________
    LadyHope

  6. #6
    spiderman's Avatar
    spiderman is offline Kidnapped... and all I got was this stupid user title. TwelevePlus
    Benitoite
    spiderman will become famous soon enough
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    5,464

    Default Critique of 12pm's poem

    Here is my no-holds-bar'd, gut-wrenchingly honest critique. I'm trying not to think of that paramour comparison - the bridges might officially be burning today.

    Overall, this was hit and miss with me. You have such tremendous ability to write about that which is not there - the hollows, the emptiness. You are quite capable of telling us exactly what you want to be known, and for some reason, this came across almost like you were passing a note in junior high. Rarely do you read as shy. If I hadn't read your other work, I'd love this one, but since I'm so familiar with your style now I am a tiny disappointed. It's beautiful, don't get me wrong. It's just not PAUL beautiful. Maybe this will help explain:



    ‘I’m such a sucker still…’

    Too folksy for a very sophisticated poem. To be honest I knew instantly this wouldn’t be my favorite. Your voice is much too strong for this; to shy away from its strength is to rob your poem of its message.


    ‘for the warmish weft…’

    Honestly? I wanted to give you my phone number. Internal rhyme with ‘for’ and ‘warm’, onomatopoetic alliteration, great diction. This line is why you have the following that you do. It's subtle but clear.


    ‘Of her, waking as I do at all the hours
    That my skin shakes through, longing…’

    Sounds a little trite to me – I’ve read much more powerful descriptions of your awakenings before. I did like how you made the waking timeless, as if you were suddenly shaken by the thought of her. Liked how you hung ‘longing’ at the end to give it more meaning.


    ‘For that nest and burrow and orchard…’

    Wonderful description of the intimacy and refreshment you’re lacking. You want a home. You want to lose yourself physically and emotionally in a woman. Orderly rows of fruit vs. your messy life. All good.


    ‘I’m such a bingo card in a bad firehall,
    Half tokened,’

    Yawn. Grow up.


    ‘half forlorn of her hand,
    Which ghosts a lemniscate on my chest…’

    (704)…


    ‘How did she become everything
    That womans my memory?’

    You didn’t just lose a lover. You lost THE lover. The one. You didn’t know it when it was happening but suddenly you think that this is the one. This loss is representative of all the relationships you’ve lost. This is the uber-chick. I really felt a pang with these lines.


    ‘Today, the neighbors’ laundered sheets
    Try to form her from a breeze,’

    I loved this imagery – not too many people put freshly washed linens out and that alone showed how you think of this love. She lightens you. She is elusive. She's rare. The word sprite comes to mind. She's not only everything you never had before, she's all that you can't handle.


    ‘Over and over, grasping at contours
    Growing more perfect for me daily,
    As she recedes, advancing’

    Grasping at contours – recedes, advancing… it’s all such a dance of movement and mind, this mating ritual. I especially liked the play with verb tense, to show the confusing nature of this game. The contours were a gentle reminder of the womanly form. Truly, truly loved this part. Very sensual – brought to mind what would happen if.


    ‘Only in wind, or light, or anything
    That’s nameless and gone.
    But never gone enough.’

    You'll never get her out of your mind, body, or soul. Beautiful.



    Always a pleasure, Paul. Always.
    Carol

  7. #7
    spiderman's Avatar
    spiderman is offline Kidnapped... and all I got was this stupid user title. TwelevePlus
    Benitoite
    spiderman will become famous soon enough
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    5,464

    Default Critique of Lady's poem

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyHope
    When anger rages upon the winds of today,
    I close my eyes to tomorrow. Any hope,
    all hope, stands silently in wait behind the
    doors of opportunity.

    It is then that my heart seeps in agony.

    It is then that I loose who I represent.


    You are a brave woman, going twice so quickly. I liked this one, with a few misgivings. (But again, I KNOW TOO MUCH! ha ha)


    'When anger rages'

    This shows that you just aren't upset, but clearly distraught over what's happening, which I like. However, you could personalize it to show how you rage. Put your fist through a wall? Chain smoke? Walk for miles without stopping? What colors do you see? etc etc.

    'upon the winds of today'

    Your present, made natural. It made me think that you were facing all that was out of your control, which I liked. Came across as one of those grand images, though. If you're going to use them, try to implant a little bit of Lady in there to personalize it.

    'I close my eyes to tomorrow.'

    Bigtime ouch... you don't want to see what's coming. 'Closing your eyes' is an incredibly personal thing to me (I've been known to do it from time to time) so this was a direct hit. Nicely done!

    'hope, stands silently in wait'

    If there's a way to get out of this situation, it isn't showing itself just yet. I know too much here - you hate that feeling of just making it to the next meal - when clearly there are

    'doors of opportunity'

    An interesting choice to read. Who will open these doors? You? me? fate? Makes me think you're standing still, just out of reach, but clearly within sight of THE answer.

    'It is then that my heart seeps in agony.'

    Seeps is a great verb. Like crying, only with more weight. This would be a good place for more personalization. Do you stand in the doorway and watch your hungry children sleep? Do you feel a connection to the boars in their trap? (I KNOW TOO MUCH!) You get my point.

    'It is then that I loose who I represent.'

    Should 'loose' be 'lose' or did you mean it that way? Who do you represent? Your family? Your values? Are you willing to beg, borrow, cheat and steal to suddenly have an answer? You lose yourself because of this pain, right? Tell us how. Just one very specific, soul wrenching image would nail this poem right here. You seem to tap dance around telling the reader how you feel. Either you commit to emotion or you don't. You're not worried about scaring ME, are you?! (LOL)


    Summary - makes me want to come over and open an door for you, but if you made it more personal, I'd break down the door with my heel to make this all go away.


    Carol

  8. #8
    LadyHope's Avatar
    LadyHope is offline Good Twelever TwelevePlus
    Platinum
    LadyHope is on a distinguished road
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    716

    Default

    Carol,
    Thanks so much for your input. For the record, loose was on purpose.

    Now...
    I know I may be asking too much but I truly am trying to learn here. All I ask is if I'm gaining any ground when it comes to imagery. I don't intend for "Critique Me" to be a personal quest, honest.

    You and I and a brisk walk in the dawn
    of summer, reaching for those extended
    days of island youth. We'll spend our time
    with margaritas on the cabana and feeding
    seagulls in the moonlight.

    Two souls searching for love and finding
    ecstasy in its place. We'll build sand castles
    big enough to dance upon and make music
    to the audience of the ocean.

    The day will come when we must lower our
    sails in the name of winter and be forced
    from the glistening sun. It is then that we
    watch drifting embers, in the cobblestone
    fireplace of reality, and plan the direction
    we have yet to sail.

    __________________
    LadyHope

  9. #9
    spiderman's Avatar
    spiderman is offline Kidnapped... and all I got was this stupid user title. TwelevePlus
    Benitoite
    spiderman will become famous soon enough
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    5,464

    Default

    As for loose - that's a startling choice!

    You are most definitely making headway with imagery, I think. Putting it in the present tense would put the reader right there. Keep trying for degrees of imagery - ask yourself which would be best. If you are trying to convey love:

    you could say 'love'
    or 'him'
    or 'his eyes'
    or 'the gritty taste of his middle finger, dipped in kool aid mix'

    Each has varying degrees of intimacy - you need to decide how to zoom and wide angle that lens accordingly.

    Love ya.

    Carol

  10. #10
    12pm's Avatar
    12pm is offline Expert Twelever TwelevePlus
    Sapphire
    12pm will become famous soon enough
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    1,707

    Default

    I'm starting to rethink this critique thing. Yours was actually very helpful to me, Carol. Although, weirdly it makes me a little nervous to think people can peek into my head so accurately through a poem. You were right, though, that particular poem was kind of a puff piece. Genuine, but kind of softball. Nonetheless, it almost got me a smart bombshell's phone number! lol

    Lady, I especially liked your two poems posted before your very most recent on the other thread.

    And I really dig the phrases: "to the audience of the ocean" and "lower our sails in the name of winter" from this last one.

    I, of course, agree with Carol that your work needs more personal detail, more digging into how you feel rather than what you think you should feel, or how a poem should think, or how people should think who read your poetry. But I have some other advice that may be helpful.

    Lose all the shoulds.

    I'm wondering if maybe you aren't trying a little too hard, and you need a chance to muck around in words the way a child plays in mud or flour or paint. Messy. Gooey. Rich and uncontrolled. Just sounds with no sense. Oolong tea. Billabong. Mopey hullaballo.

    It's a fine thing just to let the words come without worrying about sense or whether they're noble or awkward or just plain goofy.

    Sometimes the best way to do this is to write like a crazy person and just try to fill as many pages as fast as you can. Then go back later and snuffle out the truffles that might be buried in all that wanton mire. The idea is sort of to ambush yourself; to work so fast and furious that your inner editor doesn't get a chance to kick in.

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 26 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ... LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts