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Thread: A Poem I wrote, feedback?

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    krakathepirate034's Avatar
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    Default A Poem I wrote, feedback?

    Fall Leaves

    Swirling, falling, downward
    Blown across the air by forces unknown
    Into uncontrollable patterns of motion.

    Action knows no limits, hesitation blurs control,
    Until another gust moves it onward, into another dance of passion,
    And the colors blend together as a mad spin of art, looping into chaos.

    Explanation ceases to have need, the feeling rushes over you
    And nothing else matters at that exact moment.

    As the swirling rampage overwhelms your entire soul,
    The sensation washes over every part of your body,
    No cares, no worries, no anxiety,
    The entire sense of being doesn’t exist
    As the crazy dance takes your mind away.


    Feedback?

    Yarr,
    Kraka
    "Haste makes waste, so I rarely hurry. But if a ferret were about to dart up MY dress, I'd run..."
    -The Cheshire Cat, American Mcgee's Alice

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    12pm's Avatar
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    Kraka, I really like this poem, and think you shouldn't be shy about posting your work in the Critique Me forum.

    The poem feels to me as though it's about how the mind becomes quieter, and how the Self hushes up, when we surrender to forces of nature.

    All the explanations, the forays into past and future, the machinations and the daily internal monologues (or dialogues!), and generally what the Buddhists might describe as the Small Mind, all that washes away when we lose the seeming control of Self that we so desparately cling to.

    This would also be an experience of what Melville, Alcott, and Emerson summed up as the Oversoul.

    Your meaning comes through very clearly.

    But since you also asked for feedback, I'll say that you might want to explore fresher imagery to capture some of the emotion and thought that you're expressing. Phrases like "swirling, falling" and "crazy dance" feels just a little bit expected, a little cliche. You might want to find some newer ways to express the thoughts here. I once got to see a dance performance of Whirling Dervishes:

    Whirling dance, which is the practice of the Mevlevi Order in Turkey, is just one of the physical methods to try to reach religious ecstasy (majdhb, fana). Mevlevi comes from a Persian poet whose shrine is in Turkey and who was a Dervish himself. After reaching Fana, they are unaware of the world around them, and have made a connection with Allah.
    from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dervish

    Your poem reminds me a little of this. Could the leaves be dervishes?
    I'm also reminded of the line from a Tom Waits song:

    "It ain't no sin to take off your skin, and dance around in your bones."
    Hope this helps. I liked your poem and encourage you to jump into the Critique thread. Nobody there bites. At least, not real hard. Unless, of course, you want them to.

    With best wishes and grog,

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    backgammonbob's Avatar
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    I like it
    what i like ( and certainly can't be as eloquent as 12pm )
    but it did turn on my brain and my thought juice and got me thinking
    and thinking of myself as a leaf and thinking and wondering just how much control I do have - and realizing the limits
    and becoming comfortable with the outside forces
    thought provoking! keep it up!
    I enjoyed it!
    em - luanne

    imagination is the only weapon we have in the war against reality!

    success is simply getting up one more time than you fall

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    krakathepirate034's Avatar
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    Thanks, guys! To answer your question, 12pm, it was actualyl a metaphor on love, and how, like nature, it is beautiful, and while it can be kept with two people, it can never be completely controlled (until marriage, that is! Heh I'm only 16 and I'm making marriage jokes, ugh).

    Still, I hope to write more poems, thanks you guys!

    Also, for some reason, I'm not receiving my "reply to" e-mails. So sorry about the delayed thanks!

    Yarr,
    Kraka
    "Haste makes waste, so I rarely hurry. But if a ferret were about to dart up MY dress, I'd run..."
    -The Cheshire Cat, American Mcgee's Alice

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