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Thread: Divorce

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    lafitte's Avatar
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    Default Divorce

    What does it mean? How are we affected? Post your divorce stories here and I will give 500 twollars to the most eloquent divorce story that hits me. Realize that what hits me is personal and based on my own experience. Are you in?
    Post away!
    Lafitte
    "Talk doesn't cook rice" Chinese proverb

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    stickinthemud is offline Junior Twelever +1 TwelevePlus
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    Default for what it's worth lafitte am in

    Quote Originally Posted by lafitte View Post
    What does it mean? How are we affected? Are you in?
    Post away!
    had to think about this - divorce affects everyone in different ways (this is part 1 of 2)

    Divorce Ė The Negatives

    After nearly 20 years happily married (or so I thought) my spouse while we were watching television indicated that she wanted a divorce. She had already (unknown to me) contacted an attorney, withdrew almost all funds and depleted the savings. LESSON: Never use joint accounts again.

    As a former deeply spiritual person, I frequently attended church. When the divorce became public, these friends began pulling away, saying things like we thought you either knew or did not care what was going on. Several indicated that the betrayal had been going on for some time, and that they had been covering it up. LESSON: During and after a divorce you have no friends.

    When certain accusations began, I hit the library and read everything I could on divorce and how it affects children. LESSON: Read everything on it you can.
    Interestingly, I came across a divorce recipe book that outlined several strategies for a woman trying to get a divorce when either the other one does not agree or the guy is just a good man (all involved the use of lies, lies and more lies). LESSON: Know the law Ė donít trust your attorney.

    Then, out Ė I went several times to a divorce support group. Every age group you can imagine was there; and all grieving. These were the people who believed that marriage was something alive, and not just a convenient social arrangement like a business. LESSON: Use the support groups sparingly, rely on your own beliefs to see you through.
    In trying to deal with the emotional upheaval I went to a therapist. LESSON: Never see a therapist, they can not see past your parents, to you. Additionally, they are often called into court to testify against you. If you do, be very circumspect about what you expect from them and never deviate from that. LESSON: Do not take any drug, prescribed or otherwise, you need fully functioning faculties at all times.

    Be prepared for the quality of life changes. LESSON: If you do not lose a significant amount of weight within six months you have not yet exited the married life style (with all its irrational expectations - like, maybe if I am better they'll come back).

    The clean-up can be difficult, you feel so dirty. LESSON: Purge, but donít throw away photographs or letters. If you do you risk throwing away parts of you.

    Children are more important than you realize. LESSON: Never let them think you donít love them. LESSON: Ignore any impractical advice that children are resilient, at the very minimum it can misguide you, and at its worst it can cost them the precious time that they need with you.

    If you can give the other spouse the community in which you lived as a married couple. Take the chance that you can be you anywhere. LESSON: There is always another bus.

    Continues later too busy at the moment to proceed
    Being and nothingness are illusions. Rollo May

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    Wow... Thank you for opening up in this way. Funny that in my experience people didn't tell me what was going on until I kicked him to the curb. Then I heard all of the details of his "friendship" with another woman. I do have friends that are rallying around and am extremely grateful to them for this.
    Time is what it is.
    Lafitte
    "Talk doesn't cook rice" Chinese proverb

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    Smile Here is Part 2 - Forget the Lessons

    Divorce – The Positives

    “What ever were you thinking?” I asked myself five years later. It was a winter night, and I had just woken up from an uneasy sleep. In my mind the events of the past few years played slowly through my mind like a video running in reverse in extreme slow motion.

    One thing was constant, one thing had happened and I almost missed it. I had lost a tremendous amount of body mass, it wasn’t fat. I was in pretty good shape, I ran six miles daily, and exercised four times a week, on top of all the other demands made on me. Roles, defined roles had become my life. I was a husband, a father, an employee, a silent voice, a friend, someone to mow the lawn and take out the garbage, and perform the bi-weekly marriage rite. A thing that was disposable. Sixty pounds lighter, still strong, still hopeful, and despite the turning away still being blessed. I was back at my high school weight, 165 pounds. What was the universe saying to me?

    I went back in that time some more, and remembered how I felt looking out that last time, standing on the docks in New Orleans, at the Gulf of Mexico, and breathing in the salty air. Nostrils flared, trained muscles flexed with eager anticipation. High school, the point of decision, I had made the tough choice – leaving all that I loved, all that I knew for an unknown future. A future filled with vision and adventure. A time of self-discovery and self-invention lay bare before me. I was alone with nothing, and well a man with nothing has nothing to lose. Right? Except, I knew something my school mates did not – I knew me.

    I looked out the window, and deeply breathed in the noxious air outside my apartment. The universe had brought me back to a time where I remembered what life was, and who the one living it had been. It was time to forget the negatives of divorce, and all of the lessons learned since that time, all of them. There was no need to re-invent me, I had stayed constant, but had simply and painlessly forgot. I smiled, relieved – just maybe in all of the hell I had gone through – I had won. I had not simply failed, I had just grown. Somehow that made sense. A time of self-discovery and self-invention lay bare before me. I knew something my former life did not – I knew me. There was no need to re-invent, I smiled again. This time, I will not forget who I am.

    There were always three shadows
    One I heard and did not know,
    Always there
    The second shadow I heard
    And came to know,
    Fleeting, sometimes there, sometimes not
    And
    A third shadow that spoke of becoming
    Always there
    Last edited by stickinthemud; 08-20-2007 at 02:29 PM. Reason: typos
    Being and nothingness are illusions. Rollo May

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    Thank you... your words have truly hit home. Your male perspective speaks volumes and I am teary eyed now so I must go... Thank you
    Lafitte
    "Talk doesn't cook rice" Chinese proverb

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    many more hugs hun

    {{{{{{{{lafitte}}}}}}}}

    i will not even try to offer insight. as somebody who hasn't had a date in almost three years, hasn't had a boyfriend in at least a decade, and has never had a relationship with a boyfriend last an entire year, i simply do not feel qualified to speak on what you are going through. but i do offer you support and hugs and if you ever need a distraction, don't hesitate to contact me.

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    stickinthemud is offline Junior Twelever +1 TwelevePlus
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    Default no lafitte you don't need to thank me

    Quote Originally Posted by lafitte View Post
    I am teary eyed now so I must go...
    There were many tears shed during this time - I had focused on all the best in just about everyone I had met, except for me - I began believing the lessons. Unfortunately, this aided in the loss of my ability to trust. Being able to trust was so very important - then without being able to trust, I could no longer laugh. Without laughter I was doomed.

    I was trying for a human perspective, but that is always difficult, so I ended it with a short poem - you understood, and that was enough.

    Someone asked me to trust them, and I did. The only thing missing was laughter, and that comes from inside me. I know me, and that me requires life - life only I can give it.

    I had lost that weight within the first two to three months of separation, and dealing with all the rapid changes, and it took nearly five years for me to understand what the universe had been trying to say to me in the very beginning. I was glad when I finally understood and unconcerned that it took me five years to realize it.

    So, no you have the hard part right now, and as your friends rally around you, wish them well, as I wish you well.

    If you become teary eyed - do not fret, strength follows affliction as certainly as joy follows labor.

    Be well lafitte

    Ray
    Being and nothingness are illusions. Rollo May

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    I've been married for 25 years. What does this have to do with divorce you might ask? Everything.

    My parents divorced after 20 years of marriage, I was 19 at the time, in college. My father came home one day and said he didn't want to be married any more. Suffice it to say my mom was devastated and took years to get over it. That was 30 years ago. Neither of them has remarried, both are in their 70's and they still live a mile apart.

    For years my kids didn't know they weren't married. Yes, they still argued and fought, as they did when they were married, but ironically they are still devoted to each other. My mom had a knee replacement and my dad stayed with her. My dad got pneumonia, and my mom brought him soup and stayed up with him. My dad fixes her broken sink, my mom drives him to the airport.

    The moral of the story. Love does not require marriage, and sometimes is stronger without it. Sometimes people just can't be married, even though they have feelings for each other. We live, we love, we learn. We survive.

    I know I am still married in part because of the lessons I learned from them.

    wilhouse

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    well said wilhouse... :*
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    ray, all i can say is (((((((((((((((ray)))))))))))))))
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